A bit of a winge 1st April 2014

rueye

Dear diary, God, Me and everybody else,

Hey, it’s been too long again. I know and I have made other posts but somehow I haven’t been able to write about my life. I think it is because I have been focusing on it a lot lately so to actually write it down as it happens is a bit much and if I am completely honest and I usual am, by the time I come to bed all I want to do is read someone else’s words of fiction to help me escape and drift off to sleep. So hope that is a good enough reason.

How have I been focusing on my life but not actually writing my diary? That is a good question and you are glad I asked myself this I’m sure. It is because of the work I am doing to help or rather beat my depression. Instead of thinking about how I’m feeling which has never really helped me because I think it makes me worse I have chosen to take a different road with the help of my “Well being” person and that is to be busy. Yes I have for the last few weeks been writing down and listing activates into different categories. Then I have to rate out of 3 their difficulty and then try to do them and try to work up to the harder ones. Well I’m on week 2 as the first week I was just trying to write these down. It is a lot harder than you would think because you pretend or ignore the fact that you need to or should do all this things and just end up doing the ones you can’t get away with doing. I have noticed that these things are: whatever my children need or ask of me then of course my partner and mother in law as I love and live with them. Next I do things that help me feel good about myself or make me feel like I’m achieving something although they are only superficial. Things like reading and blogging my reviews. They help me relax and feel good but how productive is it really when I don’t do things like bath enough or make the important call and trip to the dentist. That last one is in the hardest category and so is visiting my Mums although very different they both need me to be strong mentally and both need me to plan and prepare and travel and I can only deal with that on good days. Anyway you can see how hard it can be. This is the 2nd week now where I have to try and do these activities and I am building up to going to my Mums and staying there in Norwich for a while but I have had a hiccup after what I thought was quite a good week of it last week. I had done at least one if not two of these activities a day and therefor more than what I was doing I was feeling very positive and happy with what I had achieved. Yay me!

Here comes the negative voice inside my head or the plague that is my life. Whenever I do good or make progress something out of my control happens to thwart it. I am not joking. I woke up on Saturday and was going to go into town but the pain and restless night I had was due to one of my bad teeth.(For those of you who don’t know me I barely have 16 teeth left and half of those aren’t full teeth.) One of them that is slowly dying at the root and has nerves open to the air decided to well die I guess but it came out with my face being all blown up on one side so everyone could see I was in pain and there for moaned at me telling me it’s my own fault for not going to dentist extra. I KNOW! I’m the one in pain, I KNOW! I have been trying to deal with my mental problems and physical things don’t seem so important. I am going to get all my teeth pulled out and get false ones at yes the age of 31. So let this be a lesson to you all. CLEAN YOUR TEETH, DON’T SMOKE OR DRINK COCA_COLA!

Anyway my point is I was doing so well and this ABSESS kinda changed that and spun me for a loop because lets face it even trying to grin and bear it – it hurts and taking paracetamol like smarties to help, just doesn’t quite help enough. So the weekend didn’t go as well s the week and all the moaning at me didn’t really help my mood after all BIENG TOLD WHAT TO DO, REALLY doesn’t agree with me. It’s Tuesday now and I think it has nearly gone although the pain is still there you just can’t see so much. Starting to feel ok again and guess what that plague strikes again. Oh YES! I got a phone call just today at 5.30ish from the doctor’s and they need to see me about my blood test results. Well last time they called me and told me all was ok apart from the fact I need to collect a prescription of Iron tablet’s. Of course I have been taking them and then had to have more bloods but this time I need an appointment I can’t be told over the phone. So naturally I am worried and thank goodness I got an appointment for tomorrow because I don’t think my nerves can take much longer. I’m thinking the worst and two of my nails have had the chop and suffered from my worries already. I know there isn’t much I can do about it apart from trying not to bite anymore nails and of course trying not to worry because I know it doesn’t help but even knowing it’s a waste of time I think I am just a born worrier and it is really hard to change habits of a lifetime. This is why I came to bed early and made sure I came to blog before picking up my book in hopes that you my dear God and of course myself would listen and let it all out and it would help and indeed it has a little.

Will promise to write tomorrow if only to tell you what the doctor said. Will pray of course it isn’t bad news and hopefully my book will distract me enough not to worry about it any more.

Much love

xXx

 

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