6th Febuary 2014

Dear diary, God, me and everybody else,

Wow this last couple of weeks has gone by so fast but I guess that’s due to me sleeping through most of it. I have gone to bed early after I have put my babies to bed and still I sleep for 12 hours or more. I know I always struggle this time of year but I thought that having my children would be enough and that they would be able to wake me up but alas even they can’t some days, and it pains my very soul every time. So these last couple of weeks since my last dear diary post have come and gone although despite my depression and pain making me sleep a lot of it away I have still managed to do some important things I needed to and some things that were just for fun.

Had to get through to “The Well being Team” on the phone but I have been trying to do this since before Christmas. I tried and couldn’t get through again but tried again and actually got through but my son decided to come and hit the hang up button which he thinks is very funny. So I waited till he wasn’t here and then finally got a appointment to be called by a member of their team and be assessed over the phone although I have got to wait just over two weeks for the privilege. His sister did try reaching for the phone too as she see’s her brother doing it but thankfully she is still too short to reach the phone but the curly, dangly wire is a hard temptation to ignore to a 11 month old but that I could put up with that.

My son had been crazing me to take him to the library as we hadn’t been since before Christmas so I finally gave in and we went into town just us two, so we went to the library and got him some new books to read at bedtime. I am really glad we went as I also got a book. It was called “The magician King.” I needed it to help me concentrate because I haven’t been able to knit and even my pen pal letters have taken me days to write but this book was so good I didn’t want to put it down. It was hard and slow to start but because it was so good I stuck with it and it lifted my mood and got me through the pain. It only took me 8 days to read it and it felt so good. That also meant I needed a new book and my son has also got me to read all his in about 3 days. So we also managed a second trip but had to go on a trip when we needed shopping. So have been there twice in as many weeks. (This also inspired another couple of blog posts about how I got back into reading and all the books I have on my reading shelf that I want to finally get round to reading.) This time I got my son 9 regular books for his age but then got a book for 7-12 year olds as I have realized if I read just one book for his age and one chapter of a book without many picture then he goes to sleep a lot quicker. So we got “George’s marvellous medicine” as I have never read it before and thought as I’m reading it – it might as well be one I haven’t read before and Roald Daule is just a classic story teller and I would like to educated my son with some of the best authors. I also got three more books to read and thought after reading my last one in just over a week why not. So that was more to add to my reading list. It’s helping to cope with not having any sunshine and giving me the adventures of the people in the stories rather than being able to make my own.

What else have I done…?…I had to make a doctor’s appointment and request my prescription again and it’s ok for them to say that but when you not right and have trouble with you moods and energy and dealing with such things making a phone call and having to see a doctor every month isn’t exactly helpful to my condition but they don’t seem to understand that and if I fall behind I then have several days that are even worse because I haven’t had my medication. I mad the calls at the beginning of the week but can’t get my medication till today. Although Only just remembered just now that I can get them and the weather is ghastly. I will have to ask my partner to get them or wait till tomorrow. I have got to wait over a week to see the doctor an I’m going to ask if I can have a higher dose cause it’s not that I’m tired it’s just I don’t want to face getting up as life is not how it should be, everyday is harder than it should be and I haven’t the energy or the willpower to cope with it however much I know I want and need to.

I have also caught up with my pen pal letters but am now waiting for one of them to reply as I have more to write. So I think I prefer being behind. Than just waiting for a letter to come.

I also finished a knitting job that was really meant to be a Christmas present but like I said I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything long enough to do it. I did it yesterday and it feels so good to have finished a job even if it is a late present. It is done now and feels good. Am looking forward to giving it to my nephew the next time I see him.

Normal day to day things have happened and come and gone and I am still here. The past few days my mood has been up and I’m not sure why really. I guess it is down to finishing my pen friend letters and that knitted toy and reading a good book. It is the little things that really help when your feeling low but it has to be the little things you do for yourself although it would help if he people around you were more forgiving of you because sometimes it’s not you who forgets and it’s not you that loses your temper or needs to be on your own it’s the depression that takes over and you can’t stop it some times and if those who are closest to you just forgave you or didn’t hold it against you it would stop you feeling so bad about yourself when you really can’t help it.

Hopefully the next few days will be better it’s the weekend tomorrow after my son has a half day at play group. I could get my pills in the morning and then play when he gets home and I still have half of my first 3 books I got from the library. So should be great so long as the weather doesn’t get much worse as my pain is getting worse in the cold and yet another of my tooth roots is finally dying but doing it slowly and painfully, my face has puffed up a little and that isn’t very helpful. As always I pray, know and believe that everything happens for a reason and although that reason might not always be clear it will be one day and then you will be able to put it to good use.


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