What’s keeping me awake again?

rueye

I am writing this because I can not sleep again and there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason for it and when that is the case I always come back to the fact that I am depressed and suffer with insomnia. So I thought to occupy my brain and stop all the negative chatter I would do this: ie my way of making a good out of a bad. To share with you what I see and feel the best way I know how. Through the medium of pictures as I am a very visual person and a lot of my thoughts are pictures all IOI had to do was find the right pictures online to share with you how I feel right now and about this horrible illness that has taken over me and my life and that by doing this I might help someone else like me know they are not alone it has been worth it, plus it is passing the time until my eyelids finally give up and take over my brain.

Picture 1 (or words really but sometimes you can’t avoid them, lol)

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This is true most of the time and usually the things my brain wants to talk about are all those negative things you normally sweep away but depression doesn’t let you do that it brings them all back up to the front of your mind in capital letters and bold font. They just swim round and around your head. Laughter is no longer a joyous noise but sends your whole head into an insecure spasm of why were they laughing at me?

Picture 2

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This is usually how I feel. It’s dark and I’m cradling my head thinking that there is so much going on in there that if I let go it is going to fall off. Trying to comfort myself by huddling into a ball.

Picture 3 and 4

4   7

These are all the words that get put upon and then become you and you just can’t seem to escape them. They always seem to be there following you around and even when they shrink or fade away for awhile you know it’s only time or the next upsetting thing and they will grab hold of you once more.

Picture 5

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Tears! The physical sign of the emotional pain this illness makes us put ourselves through. Sometimes it’s good to cry but not at the drop of a hat or for no reason at all.

Picture 6

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The black cloud.

This is what you imagine depression is, it feels like it follows you around and on bad days it engulfs you, except no one else can see it except you. Perhaps if they did they would be a bit more sympathetic or just let you be quiet and ride out the storm.

Picture 7 and words

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This is true! You do feel like your drowning and even though you know how to swim you just can’t quite manage it – not on your own, not always. Sometimes we need some help but daren’t ask or don’t know who to ask. (So if you need someone I am here, I can help I have been there and still struggle but \I know when to ask for help and when I can help myself)

Picture / word 8

fear

This is the biggie, fear is a lot of it for me. I feel afraid to try, afraid to fail, afraid I will ruin everything. When I am not deprest I face my fear and that is one way of helping me overcome my depression by doing new things or the old things that scare me. The only thing you should fear is fear it’self as it is the root of all evil.

Picture / words 9

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This I think is the worst of all things that relates to depression. Losing oneself to the illness. Some people think this only happens to old people with dementure or altimerzers but it can happen to teenagers who suffer from depression too. It’s when this illness takes hold you are just an empty shell of who you were. You look the same more or less a bit drawn and pale but you are not you because you don’t do 90% of what you used to and you don’t enjoy anything you just go through the motions as best or as much as you can. You don’t know who you are anymore all you know is the insecure, scared version of you that this illness has made you become but then you start to believe that, it is you.

I hope this helps you to understand people with depression a little more or that you can relate to what I have said and know that you are not alone in the way you feel. If you do need someone because you feel like this then please stop trying to cope on your own and reach out to someone. Talk to family, a friend or your doctor, try to get help because it is an illness and there are many ways to treat it. Mostly you can help yourself once you know you are depressed by recognising it and then you can say its not me or the world around me but it’s this illness, then you can fight it with positive thoughts and actions and you can get help to do this. You can also get medication and counselling to help you so do not try to beat it by yourself please share it with someone.

On a personal note…I have been fighting the fight against depression for half of my life and I am grateful for it because each battle I win I come out stronger and even though I lose now and again I know I can beat it again because I have taught myself how and when to recognise I need help. I am currently getting help with it thanks to medicine and counselling and of course self help. I know I will never be rid of it and that I will have to keep on fighting. I just wish more people would understand the benefits to it. Sometimes when I am deprest I can get a lot of work done not sleeping a lot helps. You also see a different perspective on things and when you come out the other side you are more vibrant and productive because you feel like you have to make up for loss time.

So please have hope !

xXx

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