Dear diary, God, Me and everybody else,
Hey, all am writing a catch up again a it has been a few days or so since I have written. The reason for this is yet again I forgot to order my medication on time, so had to lower my dose until I could collect my prescription so at least I was having a little every day this week but not enough. My own silly fault but it makes daily life even harder than normal. So I have been struggling this week and am only now starting to cope again because I am back on full meds tonight.
Monday 10th March
Today was filled with anxiety as I knew I had to be sitting by the phone at 3pm for my 2nd Well being call. I had done the feeling homework as best I could but was still worried that I would not be able to concentrate on the call but my sister in law decided to have a day with our son. She took him out in the morning to a park in a different local town and then took him home for lunch and then out shopping. Lucky boy. That meant I only had to look after our daughter while my partner went to feed the chickens but must have got roped into doing something else because he turned up five minutes before my appointment. This of course made me very stressed because I was worrying if he would be back in time and I didn’t think he would so I came up with a contingency plan ie putting a wayballos dvd on to keep my daughter occupied. It worked but my partner bless him – he cut it fine but got back just in time.
The phone call over ran apparently but we went over what I was asked to read and write about and it was depressing having to say how bad I really feel and how lasy my depression has made me in some ways but it also made me feel better for getting it off my chest so to speak and then deciding on a new direction to take the self help. I am going to work on what I can do to improve the ordinary, mundane and pleasurable things in my life and write these in lists of difficulties and of course start with the easiest ones first and then reward myself with a pleasurable activity. Well that’s the theory. So I have two weeks to work these lists out. At least I feel like I’m working on sorting out my depression and focusing on turning it around so that is good but these conversations take it out of me. Just the stress of having too organise four other people to be out of the room so I can have a privet conversation to concentrate is hard enough let alone the emotional stress and pull of it all.
If I’m honest I can’t remember much else except the fact that I escaped that evening to have a bath as realised I couldn’t remember the last time I had one when the well being woman asked me. So she said it might be a good idea to make that the first thing I do. Lol. I have to laugh or I would cry.
Tuesday 11th March
Well today started well but it didn’t really end all that well. My partner and I decided that we needed to do various things in town ie: Stalham and as he had to got to the allotment to feed the chickens. We agreed he would meet me and the children there. So we could go to the library first and then do the pub for lunch and do the food shop. It all went to plan except I got more flustered so was obviously having a bad mood day. Our children seemed to have turned into the spawn of the devil or something because our daughter was trying to climb out of her pram and my son decided to act up in the library. Usually he is so good and always in there because he loves looking at all the books but today he was crazing for a wii ,three actually and he did what all parents dread. The public filling af a nappy and as far as I know they don’t have a toilet for the public in there and so we had to hurry up and swipe our books to return and get out then we had to pay for the wii game I gave in and had to pay to borrow. Then once outside I had to deal with the horrid business of changing a nappy in the open because there is nowhere that I know of in Stalham that you can change your baby without having to pay by buying something to do so. This did not help my mood.
We also dropped off some bags of stuff to a charity shop and then went in several others to look for stuff. I ended up getting some new books and some kitchen utensils. My son was very disappointed that he couldn’t find anything worth having bless him. We waited at the pub for well over half an hour for my partner and by this point I really needed to be relieved from being the soul carer of these two very excitable children who were sending me round the bend. My partner still didn’t show so we went to the last charity shop of the street and then walked back to the pub went in ordered drinks and a meal before my partner finally arrived. I was so relieved to see him that I almost cried but kept it in and handed over our daughter and left the pub.
I had no choice I needed to breath and hold back the screams and the tears that had been welling up in me all morning. It worked a few minutes outside away and I started to cool off and return to as normal as I can be. I then went to get some tobacco and had a rollie that took twice as long as usual to smoke before I went back in. Bless they were all there getting on being good and not acting like the spawn of the devil for Daddy although they still were not as good as the normally are. My partner gave me a kiss and a knowing look and then my burger arrived. That helped, food always helps. My children of course ate all my chips but I only really wanted “FLESH!” anyway. It done the trick and I could cope with our little nightmares.
The rest of the day kinda went past as they normally do but I was very physically and emotionally worn out from this horrid trip this morning. Thank goodness for an early night and a good book.
Wednesday 12th March
Was up early and it was just my son and me awake and it was so nice to have the house to ourselves while everybody else was still asleep. We had to get up and dressed and get out as it was my son’s full day at playgroup. So yes I also had to make the dreaded pack lunch that I forgot to make the night before, arrgghhh. Despite my son being on a go slow we made it there on time and he was quite happy to go in and start demanding attention from the other children to play what he wanted to play and didn’t even look back at me, bless him. Job done. I then went to the local shop and am sure I posted something to someone as a wish and a couple of pen pal letters before I had to get whatever thing I was meant to get. Came back to find my partner and daughter waiting for me and instead of rushing straight out as I needed to collect my medication I wanted to enjoy them while I had them there. My partner wanted to go fishing as it’s nearly the end of the season and so off he went leaving me and my daughter. It was lovely just us girls and nice to focus just on her. We played and ate and did what a mother and daughter should then My partner came back so I could go to the doctors.
It was good to get out on my bike again even though I wasn’t really feeling it after all I have been off my full meds now for several day so am struggling more than normal and as I had been up all morning was about ready for a nap but no I was biking to get my much needed meds and fresh air is supposed to help. It was pleasant I didn’t need a coat and the scenery was nice until I got to the outskirts of our village and then sore a dead deer at so close a range I could see the blood dripping from it’s mouth. I had to stop…I needed to take it in. Yes I know sounds mad but I am, lol. It was the closest I have ever been to a deer for one so I wanted to actually see and I wanted to say a little prayer. I did. It was awesome and sad but it also reminded me that that’s how like goes sometimes. It’s not fair but that it’s just the way it is. One day your prancing around a field full of life, ( like the deer I sore the last time I was biking to the doctors) the next, you get hit by a car and die. I know it’s a shame that is why I had to stop.
Don’t worry my day get’s worse not just the deer’s. After biking all the way to Ludham I realised that I couldn’t get in to get my desperately needed medication because the stupid surgery was shut on a Wednesday afternoon, arse! (I didn’t know, should have but didn’t.) So I was more than a little annoyed at myself to say the least but what could I do except bike back again. Not happy infact my blood was boiling so much I had to stop and sit down on a bench have a rollie and read some of my book to calm myself down. I then noticed that there was a book rack in a butchers shop and thought it rather odd and so now that I was not only distracted by what I had seen but curious I had to go and investigate.
This meant that I had to be brave on a day when things were not going to well but I mustered up the whatever you call it and went into the shop and asked the butcher…” why do you have books in your shop?” Bless him he didn’t give me the short version funny how no one in these little villages know the short version of anything. It was a lovely story about his wife and being as forgetful as me and how a mistake turned into something wonderful like selling books in your husbands butchers shop to help make money for local charities. At present they are giving the money to our closed on Wednesday’s surgery as they need some new equipment. So it was worth being brave for. Not only that but I got two new books. I brought The Hobbit although I have read it I do not own it so thought why not it’s not a lot of money and it’s going to a good cause. Plus it meant something good had come out of my so far pointless trip. Then I turned the bookcase round and what did I see but Gold, well as close as. It was a Terry Pratchett book and it just so happened to be one that I haven’t read and now I own. Well chuffed that made up for the biking the dead deer and the surgery being closed!