Dear diary,God,me and everybody else,
It’s been too long since I have written but it has been really hard for me to write as it has been hard for me to do most normal things lately like stand up straight, bend down or pick up my children. I have trapped a nerve or something in my back and thus has slowed me down when I was starting to break free from my depression and get mentally and physically fit and busy again. So I have been in a lot of pain and very angry at the fact that this has happened. I have been given some pills to help but they are barely strong enough but at least they enable me to look like everything is ok aka I can stand up strightish and walk although not very far.
This has given me an even better insight to my Mum and sisters situation as they both have different back conditions. My Mum has suffered with hers since an accident at work when I was under ten and much of our childhood was full of ” If my back is ok we will” so I have watch her struggle over the years with a pain that never goes away despite how many strong pills she takes and if she did a lot one day she would have several bad days. So not that my Mum doesn’t know how much I have respected her over the years for grinning through the pain to look after us and play with us but a new found respect and understanding has been found/learned. I know she is feeling for me knowing more than anyone what I am going through, although I know my pain is just a scratch compared to hers.
So I have learned by example and tried to put my children ahead of my pain as much as I could and when I couldn’t on one day my son helped me. I was having trouble getting up as my pills hadn’t quite kicked in but both my children needed me and their Dad was rotervating up the allotment and their Nanny was helping out an elderly friend. So I had to get them both up and dressed despite the pain but while they were eating their breakfast I waddled out the room and broke down and cried because of the pain. I tried my best to keep quiet and it hurts to hold back the noise of tears but I did my best and it wasn’t good enough because my son came to find me and said “Mum please don’t cry” I told him that I couldn’t help it because the pain was making me do it. His response was ” Have a magic hug Mummy, that will make it alright” So of course he hugged me where I was huddled over on the floor as it was the only position that didn’t hurt me and bless him after what he said my heart and spirit was filled with joy and pride but then he was right the hug was magic. I got up with his help and went back into the living room with him and his sister and carried on.
I had to share that as I thought it was so special and heart warming, I hope you agree.
So I have been using my energy mostly to be with my children and tried to be brave when my Mum and Sister came to visit I think to cheer me up bless them and it did. My neighbour too has been good and friendly and that has helped lift my sprits. Thank God for giving me the extra strength to cope as well as I have because I know I couldn’t have done it alone and thank goodness for my books that have helped to keep my brain busy when I have woke up in the night or too early in the morning like today without them distracting me I know there would have been more tears. I think with the medication and now my experience with it and knowledge of how far I can push myself I am coping better but I am praying oh Lord please make this pain subside before our family holiday. I don’t want this pain to put a dampener on it and we only have 19 days till we go. I don’t ask too much for myself Lord and this isn’t really for me it’s for my children.
My pen pals have also helped one in particular suggested that I try to write about my life and you know Lord that I have somewhere there is “A Book of Ruth” somewhere but I haven’t looked for it yet and I haven’t done that after all what is this blog it is my life and eventually will be used as an aid to finish that book if the time comes and someone wants to publish it. For now though I thought I would just use my experience to make a fictional story and have written nearly 500 words. Not a bad start. It is harder to write when you are making up a person and the beginning is always the hardest but I have started. Yea me!
I am still behind on typing up lot’s on hear such as “MY Doug dose life” Exercises that have helped me a lot and want to share them. I also have another book to review that I finished and it won’t be long before there is another couple. Then there is my gardening update that needs to be done before the next phase. There is even more in my life that I need to catch up on that I should have done but haven’t because this backache has slowed me down so much. I an determined to get back on track despite the pain. So I’m off now to enjoy the peace and quiet while everyone is still sleeping to slip downstairs for a drink and a cigarette then making my son’s lunch before I have to get him ready to go to playgroup to get the our day going, wish me luck or send your blessings as always I send mine to you all!