Catch up … 25th August 2014

 cropped-rueye1.jpgDear diary, God, me and everybody else,

Sorry isn’t good enough and all I have done by not making the time to post is made life even more of a struggle for myself. Realization is a wonderful thing! So here I am pouring my heart and soul out because I know I need to.

Life has been a great distraction for me and I have done my very best to keep busy and positive so I don’t go on a downwards spiral but alas it has happened anyway and yes I believe it is partly because I stopped writing and getting my feelings out.

There has been so much good but still I am living with my mother in law. I feel like I am living with the enemy despite the fact she is a lovely caring woman who only wants the best for her son and grandchildren and yes I know deep down she cares for me. That doesn’t stop me feeling the way that I do. I feel stifled and that I am under constant servalence so I don’t feel free to live my life how I need and want to and it is getting harder everyday. I don’t want her to care because my feelings are turning against me and making her the enemy so I don’t want to be around her when I am feeling down. It’s stupid but feelings have always controlled me.

Today I have spent it hiding away from my mother in law and children due to the dark cloud and the aches,pains and cramps I had during the night making me extremely tired. I slept and slept the day away and it’s been weeks since I have done this maybe even months but I had no choice my body and mind needed it so I went with it. My partner made sure I had drink and has tried to get me to eat all day but I daren’t. Bless him he has been super dad and boyfriend. I did make a trip downstairs and what I have been avoiding all day still wanted to have a conversation with me about how I feel. Well I don’t want to talk about it when I know you don’t understand and when I’m feeling like this I don’t want to express it I want it to go away and the best way is to sleep through it.

Yes I know,I’m not sleeping now and I am kinder talking about it but my children both woke up and woke me up as my partner is downstairs thinking they are sound asleep and now are watching a cartoon and helping me eat my sandwich my partner left earlier. Bless them they help so much and I hate myself for missing the day with them but I don’t want them to see me crying and being overwhelmed with darkness and negativity it’s not good for them. I know they will remember my disappearances but how do you explain depression to a child when most adults don’t understand it. We just say “I’m not feeling very well” and they accept that I need to be left alone more or less.

I guess my body is telling me to slow down and take more care of myself but I have been doing things for the children making memories and trying to get my issues sorted out. I have had a well over due smear test. Not pleasant and I was later informed it didn’t really work so have got to do it all over again. Need another apt at the doctors, joy. I have also got my pre-opp apt with the sedation clinic in Norwich next month to talk through having my teeth out. Finally. Then I have 4 apt’s at my dentist to have my dentures made so I have then before I have my teeth out. So I have been busy trying to sort out my health issues. So I have tried to be a health conscious woman and deal with things. So next month will be even busier than this one but at least I will be closer to a happier pain free me. It doesn’t feel like it right now but I have to keep reminding myself that I am doing what I need to and should despite my bad days and hopefully they will get fewer.

Will try to post regular again. I have positive things to share like my latest Rainbow loom creations and our family adventure to Bewilderwood this summer plus I am in desperate need to catch up with my book reviews as I have read so many that I haven’t  shared with you all. So keep following and I will be back in full swing soon.

Love and blessings




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