Catch up … 25th August 2014

 cropped-rueye1.jpgDear diary, God, me and everybody else,

Sorry isn’t good enough and all I have done by not making the time to post is made life even more of a struggle for myself. Realization is a wonderful thing! So here I am pouring my heart and soul out because I know I need to.

Life has been a great distraction for me and I have done my very best to keep busy and positive so I don’t go on a downwards spiral but alas it has happened anyway and yes I believe it is partly because I stopped writing and getting my feelings out.

There has been so much good but still I am living with my mother in law. I feel like I am living with the enemy despite the fact she is a lovely caring woman who only wants the best for her son and grandchildren and yes I know deep down she cares for me. That doesn’t stop me feeling the way that I do. I feel stifled and that I am under constant servalence so I don’t feel free to live my life how I need and want to and it is getting harder everyday. I don’t want her to care because my feelings are turning against me and making her the enemy so I don’t want to be around her when I am feeling down. It’s stupid but feelings have always controlled me.

Today I have spent it hiding away from my mother in law and children due to the dark cloud and the aches,pains and cramps I had during the night making me extremely tired. I slept and slept the day away and it’s been weeks since I have done this maybe even months but I had no choice my body and mind needed it so I went with it. My partner made sure I had drink and has tried to get me to eat all day but I daren’t. Bless him he has been super dad and boyfriend. I did make a trip downstairs and what I have been avoiding all day still wanted to have a conversation with me about how I feel. Well I don’t want to talk about it when I know you don’t understand and when I’m feeling like this I don’t want to express it I want it to go away and the best way is to sleep through it.

Yes I know,I’m not sleeping now and I am kinder talking about it but my children both woke up and woke me up as my partner is downstairs thinking they are sound asleep and now are watching a cartoon and helping me eat my sandwich my partner left earlier. Bless them they help so much and I hate myself for missing the day with them but I don’t want them to see me crying and being overwhelmed with darkness and negativity it’s not good for them. I know they will remember my disappearances but how do you explain depression to a child when most adults don’t understand it. We just say “I’m not feeling very well” and they accept that I need to be left alone more or less.

I guess my body is telling me to slow down and take more care of myself but I have been doing things for the children making memories and trying to get my issues sorted out. I have had a well over due smear test. Not pleasant and I was later informed it didn’t really work so have got to do it all over again. Need another apt at the doctors, joy. I have also got my pre-opp apt with the sedation clinic in Norwich next month to talk through having my teeth out. Finally. Then I have 4 apt’s at my dentist to have my dentures made so I have then before I have my teeth out. So I have been busy trying to sort out my health issues. So I have tried to be a health conscious woman and deal with things. So next month will be even busier than this one but at least I will be closer to a happier pain free me. It doesn’t feel like it right now but I have to keep reminding myself that I am doing what I need to and should despite my bad days and hopefully they will get fewer.

Will try to post regular again. I have positive things to share like my latest Rainbow loom creations and our family adventure to Bewilderwood this summer plus I am in desperate need to catch up with my book reviews as I have read so many that I haven’t  shared with you all. So keep following and I will be back in full swing soon.

Love and blessings

xXx

 

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Matalida quote…

booknerd

Obviously I totally agree with this without books and the characters in them that felt like my friends I would have had a lonely childhood, young adult life and a dull adult life. Each book has helped to shape who I have become and those that helped or made an impact beyond just an entertaining read have meant so much to me and I am grateful to all the author’s who have added to the voices inside my head.

So here is one of my favourite quotes and author’s.

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Our first family holiday! 19th-24th May 2014

rueye1
Dear diary, God, Me and everybody else,

The day finally came when we were off on our little holiday and I was very excited, the children really didn’t know what to expect and Dad was just placid as always about it all. We got a lift from my sister in law and that was really helpful and we filled her little car till it was overflowing. We arrived at The Wild Duck holiday camp just after 11am and were told we wouldn’t be able to get our key till 4pm but we could leave our stuff in the reception and go on site.

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 This is our daughter sitting with our stuff while we make sure we have  everything we need for the day.

So leaving our stuff we went off to explore the park grounds and work out where everything was that we needed to know and it was a very good layout and most things were all in the centre leaving the caravans and camping around the outside. We soon came across a park and had to stop to let the kids out to have a play but by then we had already seen the shops and the bars so why not. This was what our holiday was about doing things for our children and not having to say no.

Here are  some pictures of our first trip to the park, it was great as you can see from our antics.

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So we had a wonderful morning and as the children had played on the parker until they had done everything more than twice we headed towards the bar/restaurant called “Sitting Duck” to try out the menu as all our food was still packed away in reception. We were not really impressed with the food but the kids got more than enough and as we were sitting there we got a call from the reception telling us we could go and pick up our key. We took what we could carry and the reception sent someone over with the rest. I made a joke to my partner about the fact that this would be our first ever home together and that he should carry me over the threshold and blow me he did, bless him.

Here is our caravan home

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As you can see we had ample room for a family of four infact it was so spacious I would be quite happy living in one of them. All we would have to do is remove the spare beds and the kids would have enough room for their toys. It dose mean you can’t have any of your own furniture but I can see why so many people buy them. Maybe one day we will and rent it out in the holidays so help pay the mortgage, lol. It made a happy home for us while we were there.

It took us a while to explore our vast  new home and to unpack our stuff but after we did this we made ourselves an evening meal and set off for the lounge where the evening entertainment was going to be. It was just like a nightclub room with a stage and large seating area and bar of course but it also had a gift shop. It was a great room and the kid’s entertainment kicked off at half past 6 ,when the characters would come out for a sing song and get all the children up dancing. It worked and our kid’s loved it even our youngest at 14 months loved it and wanted to be on the dance floor joining in. As you can see:

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The names of the characters are as seen on the last picture from left to right: Bradley Bear, Anxious the Elephant (Esmae’s fav), Greedy the Gorilla and Rory the Tiger. (Krystian’s fav.)

They did other stuff with the staff when they were not in these costumes but not as much as a hit. The games were for older children and I thought they were all dragged out for far too long and the prizes of stickers were really a let down. There was also far too much dancing by the women staff I mean who really wants to see young adult women dancing to non ending music? Other than that the entertainment was what you would expect. The children were quite happy I obviously expect too much, lol. WE only managed to catch one show due to our children being young and needing to go to bed and I am glad we did manage to stay and watch it as the children fell asleep on our laps.  They did a medley of songs from the 80’s all from the top films the girlies would love and I have to say that the two staff singers were amazing, truly they shouldn’t be wasting their time on a stage in a holiday club, I guess even the greats had to start somewhere.

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There was so much to do that we didn’t quite do everything but I think if we stayed there for a whole 7 days we would have got board of the repetitiveness of the evenings and the frequent visit to the park in the afternoons when there wasn’t much to do for our young children. Mind you them maybe we would have gone swimming a few more times, as we only managed to go once. This was the first time either of our children had ever been in a pool and I was so glad they both loved it.

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My son and I are at the front.

We spent one afternoon playing crazy golf and the children loved this although were both too young to really play although our son did have a go and was quite good at some of the easier ones. I was hopeless so yes my partner won although if you ask our son he will shout at you that he won. Lol.

Another afternoon we spent walking the grounds until we found a tree house or a house made out of logs really but it looked good and the kids loved it.

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Our daughter didn’t need help to climb the ladder and steps and she fell in love with the tire swing underneath the tree house. It was a lovely hot day too so it was the best place for her in the shade. We all had a good time, it was just a shame that there wasn’t more made like this as it was such a big hit with everyone young and old.

We spent the mornings doing activates that the staff held for the children there was only one event for babies that we could really take our daughter to and then she was a little too grown up for it but she still enjoyed it nether the less. It was a sensory event but the best bit wasn’t all the different things for her to play with or see it was the fact that her favourite character came and did a song and dance. We also got our phot taken with her too. So that was good.

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As my son was that much older there were slightly more activates he could do but again not many but we made sure they both did everything we could possibly let them do while we were there. I really couldn’t tell you what was my son’s Archery and Fencing would be the first two he would say. He was very lucky because on the occasions he went there was only one other boy there so they both got great time and care taken and it was really good of the bloke not to cancel it really. It is clear they both loved it and made firm friends of each other it was so cute how they bonded so fast but then children do don’t they.

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It was great just watching him being taught something new by someone and it was obvious he really enjoyed it. I just wish they did classes like this at home or nearby as it would be a lot better than a playgroup or songs in a circle.

We also spent some time in the little arcade and we managed to get quite a few tickets between us in only four days and so Krystian got a handheld mini game and we got some gifts to take home for family members. I also taught my daughter how to collect 2p winings from the tray at the bottom of the machines while I was playing. I have to confess I am rather an addict. I love them and am determined to get the gifts out and after years of practise I am rather good at choosing the right ones to go for or knowing how much to put in to get what I want. So I came home with several wind up cars and over 10 keying’s that I won from 2p machines. My daughter also learnt to stash 2p’s under her bottom so I didn’t take them all away as we found out the first night we played and then put her to bed in the evening finding nearly £2 in the pushchair, lol.

So over all it was a great holiday and we made loads of memories to keep forever and came back with more than we took. Here are the last two photos. One is our stuff in the reception like when we got there and the other is the children in the taxi on the way home after a fun filled holiday. I hope you enjoyed this post half as much as we enjoyed our holiday. I can totally recommend The Wild Duck it was great!

 

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xXx

 

 

 

Hello and Sorry it’s been over a week since my last post…….

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Hello all,

Sorry it has been a while since I last made a post but I went away on my first ever family holiday with my children and partner. So have been a little busy packing and then enjoying our holiday. I didn’t even take my laptop with me so had no internet at all as I do not possess a phone at all let a lone one with an internet connection. So it truly was a break from it all and a well deserved and needed one. I will post about our holiday later this is really just to say hello and sorry to all my followers who are waiting patiently for me to post again. Thank you for sticking with me.

So I will be posting again very soon as I have got to share with you all our holiday fun and I know I have at least two book reviews to finish and post to so there will be plenty to come soon.

Until then thank you again for waiting and following my blog. Love and blessings to you all.

xXx

 

Turning a deeper shade of lobster…17th May 2014

rueye1

Dear diary, God, me and everybody else,

Today was a early but dull start although our plans were still to go to the allotment as a family and do some more much needed weeding of our strawberry patch. We all got up and set off my partner had our two children in the double buggy and I was on my bike as my back still won’t handle walking over two miles and the weeding. We got there and the whole team was there and that has been a first in well over a year but we all worked nice so to speak and got lot’s done and yeah we pretty much finished weeding that strawberry patch. We also sprayed an area ready to rotter-vate  and my son helped feed and water the chicken and of course collect their eggs. My daughter and I tidied up some rubbish and then my son helped me plant some pumpkins and melons. So a lot was done. Oh nearly forgot rescuing some strawberry plants that got pulled up with the weeds but that saved us a job as we were going to donate some to the school. The weather got out really hot and I mean put extra sun tan lotion on hot. I got quite pink yesterday but now am well and truly lobster colour on my back and arms today. The children had a great morning and didn’t get wingie due to the heat as they were kept busy earning their keep, lol. So a very productive morning/afternoon.

On the way home we deliberated about going to the pub and as we got there one of the villagers we know and get on with an elder fellow that always talks to the children as well as us was sitting outside the pub. So it would have been rude not to stop. I think we deserved a cold one anyway. My partner God love him and me too also, brought some pub grub as well and that was well needed too. If by magic our son who was asleep, woke up just as my partner was going to get a drink. So he got his lemonade, bless him.

The rest of the afternoon was spent in the garden not really doing much except watching the children playing in the garden, going from their bouncy castle to the sandpit and I sat there trying to catch up with my penpal letters. As luck or fate would have it most of my penpal’s all seem to have replied at the same time i.e. now while I am busy getting ready for our holiday but I managed to get two shorter than usual letters written while enjoying the last of the heat from the sun. It worked, I sat facing the sun and got a little lobster colour to my neck and chest. Hopefully now I look a little more even, mission accomplished. Indoors to cook pizza for tea and then the bath and bedtime hour.

My partner, mother-in-law and I then watched “Britain’s got talent” and we had a few good acts on tonight and then another show with Rob Brydant before coming up to bed. So we still need to make sure we have all our packing done and I want to make some soup to take with us and there is a book review I want to finish as well as another book. I think the excitement is getting to me now, after all it will only be two more sleeps till we are off on our first EVER family holiday. It will be great to experience what it will be like to be just us while we are on holiday because believe it or not my partner and I have been living with one of our mother’s the whole time we have been parents. That’s nearly 4 years! I know – right, it’s been tough at times so it will be nice to just be US!

So please bless us with good weather for our holiday, oh lord and the ability to embrace all that the holiday camp has to offer us.We all deserve this break away together. Thank you for today as always.

xXx

 

 

 

Omg I left my laptop behind….

rueye1

14th May 2014

Dear diary, God, Me and everybody else,

Yes I know how could I?

I got a lift home from my Dad’s where I was using my laptop and his computer to teach him the basic’s of using his computer to get online. The day’s work/lesson as it were was successful and he remembered what I taught him but as my sister decided to surprise him with a visit and then me with the offer of a lift home. I was then running to someone else’s schedule and had to rush about and in that rush I left my very beloved and only connection to the outside world behind in my sister’s car.

I thought I would be able to cope without having it and I guess I did really but I really didn’t like it. I don’t have a mobile like most of the modern population I just have my laptop to connect to the internet and my family and friends and of course all of my lovely followers. I have misted being able to sign in here and read what others have to say and look at everyone’s photo’s on facebook. So it was great to have it back today and even better to be blogging again.

Today was a very full Friday. Up with my daughter after my partner and son went to playgroup and the allotment so we got to have a fun filled couple of hours to ourselves. I posted a couple of books that someone “MOOCHED” from me and then we went to the park before having to get my son from playgroup. After the walk home we all played in the garden for a little while then my partner came home and we had lunch. We were eating lunch and deliberating doing our food shopping for our holiday or going up to the allotment.  The phone disturbed us and my dinner it was my well being mentor and so for the next half  hour or so we talked about my mood and my progress with dealing with my current pain and then we evaluated my mood/progress. It’s better and a lot more so than I would have thought. I ended up eating a cold dinner but we decided to do our shopping.

After we got home is when my sister came by bringing my laptop and my nephews with her, we were all glad to see her. We had a chat and the children played and confirmed plans to see her after our holiday on her birthday. Then they left and we got ready to go to school as they had a wheel even on for the kids to raise funds for the school. It was good our son had a great time. My back started to give out or my pain threshold did so we left a little early with our tired boy and went home to put him in bed and our daughter was already there.

So here I am catching up with the world and myself and feeling content with my progress of mind and my ability to overcome physical pain and my new determination to overcome the mental block that keeps coming back. I also know that this holiday is just what I need to help me relax and hopefully reboot.

As always I pray you here me.

xXx

12th May 2014…A hard day

rueye1

Dear diary, God, me and everybody else,

The title doesn’t say it all but it is true it has been a hard day and there is no real reason to why it just was. I guess it is all part of depression that even when you think you have it beat you get a day like the one I have had today. There is no rhyme or reason for it – you just don’t feel quite right and no matter how hard you try to be NORMAL or productive despite how you feel you still feel like there is that familiar grey cloud hovering around you so you can’t quite experience or feel the way you should.

It was a normal Monday and we didn’t have to get up early and the children were good and didn’t cause anything out of the usual to have to deal with but I just went along in my inability to really feel or be present only doing what was necessary and not really living – if you know what I mean. The kids and I got dressed and while they were playing in our room I logged on to see what the world of facebook had to say and surprise surprise not a lot was going on so went looking elsewhere as I knew I needed a lift. So quotes is what I went hunting for and even then I only found and posted a couple on here but it did help a little. Then before the children made too much of a mess of our very chaotic bedroom we all went downstairs.

The day was turning dark and stormy outside so it would be another day that we would have to stay cooped up for.

The day pasted as days like this do with no an awful lot happening but as my training to cope lesson’s have taught me to try even harder on this difficult days to achieve something. I listened to the words I’ve read and have kept telling myself. So after my partner came back and we’d all had lunch I disappeared off upstairs to finish an important form we had to do. Although it took longer than it would have on a NORMAL me day I kept to it until I finished and it did help just like the lesson and mentor had told me it would. I didn’t quite get that feeling I would normal get of achieving something but never the less I did achieve that horrible chore and a not so horrible one. I also sent off all the tokens we have been collecting out of The Sun Newspaper just like we did for our holiday to get two free tickets to go to LEGOLAND in Winsor. My son who is nearly 3 1/2 has been crazing us ever since he knew the place existed. We can thank my lovely sister and her son’s for that, lol. So now we will be able to go at a fraction of the cost in other words we are definitely going, so long as we do get the free tickets of course. I also sent a letter to one of my penfriends and on the way I even managed a laugh or two because I took my son and as it had been raining on and off there were “Big muddy puddles” to walk, run and jump in. That is why I took him and it did help, bless him.

That is as eventful as it got until just now. I came to bed early as it has been hard work all day and I thought a little quiet time to write this and collect my thoughts before I read myself to sleep before midnight would be good and it still will be. My partner came up early and brought with him two parcels that had come in the post for me that no one noticed till he came up to bed. So I have another two books to add to my reading shelf. I know I have more than enough for one year but when you can get a bargin book you get it and you can quote me on that, lol.

Good night and god bless.

Who knows I might catch up with my reviews and finish a book instead of starting a new one. Then again I might not. Keep fighting the good fight.

If not and unlike me you haven’t got a good book to help get you to sleep take this quotes good advice.

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xXx

 

 

 

9th May 2014

rueye1
Dear diary, God, me and everybody else,

Hey all, it is getting late here but as it has been a very eventful and important day I thought I had better write an entry/post. So here it is and today started like most Friday’s. I was able to have a lay in as my partner took my oldest to playschool and left me and our daughter in bed still sleeping. We both woke up about half past nine this morning. It was nice to wake up in quiet and not be rushed. We took our time my daughter had her morning milk while I logged on and sore that I had 50 followers. That really made my morning, I was so shocked and very flattered, so thank you all again. After I did a post about it I decided to enjoy the moment and celebrate with some music and my daughter and I listened and danced or in her case bounced on the bed while we got dressed and ready for the day. It was lovely, just us girls.

We got interrupted by somebody at the door…the postman with some of our deliveries we have been expecting from our internet shopping spree. So down I went to collect them and then I came up and we finished getting dressed and opened them all up. Shoe’s for my partner and a t-shirt for both him and me. we also got a pump for the bouncy castle we ordered for the children with the rest of their Christmas money but no castle yet.

The day soon whisked away and my partner and mother in law came back and my partner left again to get my son. They soon came back and my son was full of chatter and I couldn’t wait to tell my partner his shoe’s had arrived. He had news for me too. Our neighbour and friend had asked me previously if I wanted to go with her to meet Danny Dyer later in the month at a nightclub and I said I would but she thought that because I am not a his biggest fan that I only said I would so she wasn’t going alone and that is partly right but she hasn’t got anyone else to go with. So as it was all a misunderstanding I went round and said I did want to go so she isn’t alone because it will be a great night and it’ll be great for us and our men to have a night out together before our holiday that we are planning on going on together later on in the summer. We cleared things up and booked our tickets there and then and I paid her for them. Our children who are the same age and best friends kissed each other goodbye. So sweet. Back in the day they would have been betroved to each other because they get on, lol. So looks like I’m going to meet Danny Dyer later this month and have my picture taken with him!

We all went to town as a family including my partners mother as she wants to buy our daughter her first pair of shoes. While we were on the bus it poured down luckily it was only drizzling when we had to get off the bus and it was only a short walk to the only shoe shop in town. The lady in the shop was really welcoming because it was obvious when we all poured into the shop that we were there to buy something. She was  lovely and very good at her job and she measured our daughters feet after making sure she could actually walk. I had my camera with me and took some photo’s of my daughter showing off and enjoying her new shoe’s but one pair wasn’t enough we left with a second pair and they are both fab. It’s as if she had been waiting for her shoe’s to really go for it and she didn’t want to take them off. It was a great moment. Our son was very well behaved and didn’t get jealous he made me so proud. So we were very successful and not only did we get shoes but we also got a few bargains from the charity shop. A golf set that my son found and let’s face it he deserved a treat. He was so chuffed with his little caddy that he pulled it down the street. I got another book surprise surprise and we stopped in the pub for a quick one before going food shopping. My partner and I were a little naughty because we also got 5 dvd’s but they were cheap-ish ones but hell we deserve a treat now and again too.

So we arrived home with boxes and bags of stuff and found another box waiting for us in the back porch another pair of shoes for my partner and then we had a burgers for tea and then a quiet night in but you know what that is just what you need after a long afternoon of shopping. It was a great day.

Nigh-night

xXx