A little help on a gloomy day…

Hey all was looking for encouragement and inspiration today as it has been a very gloomy weekend and today hasn’t got any better and this is what helped cheer my mind a little;

book quote5

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So instead of trying to write or even type up some of my notes I decided to read a good magic book and look ahead.

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30th April 2014 – Catch up of sorts!

rueye1

 

Dear diary,God,me and everybody else,

It’s been too long since I have written but it has been really hard for me to write as it has been hard for me to do most normal things lately like stand up straight, bend down or pick up my children. I have trapped a nerve or something in my back and thus has slowed me down when I was starting to break free from my depression and get mentally and physically fit and busy again. So I have been in a lot of pain and very angry at the fact that this has happened. I have been given some pills to help but they are barely strong enough but at least they enable me to look like everything is ok aka I can stand up strightish and walk although not very far.

This has given me an even better insight to my Mum and sisters situation as they both have different back conditions. My Mum has suffered with hers since an accident at work when I was under ten and much of our childhood was full of ” If my back is ok we will” so I have watch her struggle over the years with a pain that never goes away despite how many strong pills she takes and if she did a lot one day she would have several bad days. So not that my Mum doesn’t know how much I have respected her over the years for grinning through the pain to look after us and play with us but a new found respect and understanding has been found/learned. I know she is feeling for me knowing more than anyone what I am going through, although I know my pain is just a scratch compared to hers.

So I have learned by example and tried to put my children ahead of my pain as much as I could and when I couldn’t on one day my son helped me. I was having trouble getting up as my pills hadn’t quite kicked in but both my children needed me and their Dad was rotervating up the allotment and their Nanny was helping out an elderly friend. So I had to get them both up and dressed despite the pain but while they were eating their breakfast I waddled out the room and broke down and cried because of the pain. I tried my best to keep quiet and it hurts to hold back the noise of tears but I did my best and it wasn’t good enough because my son came to find me and said “Mum please don’t cry” I told him that I couldn’t help it because the pain was making me do it. His response was ” Have a magic hug Mummy, that will make it alright” So of course he hugged me where I was huddled over on the floor as it was the only position that didn’t hurt me and bless him after what he said my heart and spirit was filled with joy and pride but then he was right the hug was magic. I got up with his help and went back into the living room with him and his sister and carried on.

I had to share that as I thought it was so special and heart warming, I hope you agree.

So I have been using my energy mostly to be with my children and tried to be brave when my Mum and Sister came to visit I think to cheer me up bless them and it did. My neighbour too has been good and friendly and that has helped lift my sprits. Thank God for giving me the extra strength to cope as well as I have because I know I couldn’t have done it alone and thank goodness for my books that have helped to keep my brain busy when I have woke up in the night or too early in the morning like today without them distracting me I know there would have been more tears. I think with the medication and now my experience with it and knowledge of how far I can push myself I am coping better but I am praying oh Lord please make this pain subside before our family holiday. I don’t want this pain to put a dampener on it and we only have 19 days till we go. I don’t ask too much for myself Lord and this isn’t really for me it’s for my children.

My pen pals have also helped one in particular suggested that I try to write about my life and you know Lord that I have somewhere there is “A Book of Ruth” somewhere but I haven’t looked for it yet and I haven’t done that after all what is this blog it is my life and eventually will be used as an aid to finish that book if the time comes and someone wants to publish it. For now though I thought I would just use my experience to make a fictional story and have written nearly 500 words. Not a bad start. It is harder to write when you are making up a person and the beginning is always the hardest but I have started. Yea me!

I am still behind on typing up lot’s on hear such as “MY Doug dose life” Exercises that have helped me a lot and want to share them. I also have another book to review that I finished and it won’t be long before there is another couple. Then there is my gardening update that needs to be done before the next phase. There is even more in my life that I need to catch up on that I should have done but haven’t because this backache has slowed me down so much. I an determined to get back on track despite the pain. So I’m off now to enjoy the peace and quiet while everyone is still sleeping to slip downstairs for a drink and a cigarette then making my son’s lunch before I have to get him ready to go to playgroup to get the our day going, wish me luck or send your blessings as always I send mine to you all!

xXx

 

 

When you read a book and reallise it’s not the first one in a series…

wildspellswings         destined

Yes this happened to me recently and again yesterday. I brought a book from a charity shop ” Wild” and started reading only a few pages in did I realise that it was talking about past events as if I should know about them. By this point I was already hooked on the story and the main character. So I continued reading telling myself that I would get the first book or just carry on from the next one. So I reserved the next one from the library and was so excited when it came in. Although when I got it home and was in bed and started to read it I soon realised that I had made another mistake. I wasn’t reading the next one that continued the story but the one before the one I had already read. This was the second one. “Spells” So I decided that I couldn’t carry on reading it because after just a few pages it felt like I was reading the past. So am very disappointed but at least I now know that “Wings” is the first one, “Spells” is the second and the one I read “Wild” is the third, so the one I need is Destined. Then I can start from the beginning again. So think I am going to have to buy this series of books now.

wings spellswild            destined

xXx

What’s keeping me awake again?

rueye

I am writing this because I can not sleep again and there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason for it and when that is the case I always come back to the fact that I am depressed and suffer with insomnia. So I thought to occupy my brain and stop all the negative chatter I would do this: ie my way of making a good out of a bad. To share with you what I see and feel the best way I know how. Through the medium of pictures as I am a very visual person and a lot of my thoughts are pictures all IOI had to do was find the right pictures online to share with you how I feel right now and about this horrible illness that has taken over me and my life and that by doing this I might help someone else like me know they are not alone it has been worth it, plus it is passing the time until my eyelids finally give up and take over my brain.

Picture 1 (or words really but sometimes you can’t avoid them, lol)

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This is true most of the time and usually the things my brain wants to talk about are all those negative things you normally sweep away but depression doesn’t let you do that it brings them all back up to the front of your mind in capital letters and bold font. They just swim round and around your head. Laughter is no longer a joyous noise but sends your whole head into an insecure spasm of why were they laughing at me?

Picture 2

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This is usually how I feel. It’s dark and I’m cradling my head thinking that there is so much going on in there that if I let go it is going to fall off. Trying to comfort myself by huddling into a ball.

Picture 3 and 4

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These are all the words that get put upon and then become you and you just can’t seem to escape them. They always seem to be there following you around and even when they shrink or fade away for awhile you know it’s only time or the next upsetting thing and they will grab hold of you once more.

Picture 5

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Tears! The physical sign of the emotional pain this illness makes us put ourselves through. Sometimes it’s good to cry but not at the drop of a hat or for no reason at all.

Picture 6

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The black cloud.

This is what you imagine depression is, it feels like it follows you around and on bad days it engulfs you, except no one else can see it except you. Perhaps if they did they would be a bit more sympathetic or just let you be quiet and ride out the storm.

Picture 7 and words

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This is true! You do feel like your drowning and even though you know how to swim you just can’t quite manage it – not on your own, not always. Sometimes we need some help but daren’t ask or don’t know who to ask. (So if you need someone I am here, I can help I have been there and still struggle but \I know when to ask for help and when I can help myself)

Picture / word 8

fear

This is the biggie, fear is a lot of it for me. I feel afraid to try, afraid to fail, afraid I will ruin everything. When I am not deprest I face my fear and that is one way of helping me overcome my depression by doing new things or the old things that scare me. The only thing you should fear is fear it’self as it is the root of all evil.

Picture / words 9

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This I think is the worst of all things that relates to depression. Losing oneself to the illness. Some people think this only happens to old people with dementure or altimerzers but it can happen to teenagers who suffer from depression too. It’s when this illness takes hold you are just an empty shell of who you were. You look the same more or less a bit drawn and pale but you are not you because you don’t do 90% of what you used to and you don’t enjoy anything you just go through the motions as best or as much as you can. You don’t know who you are anymore all you know is the insecure, scared version of you that this illness has made you become but then you start to believe that, it is you.

I hope this helps you to understand people with depression a little more or that you can relate to what I have said and know that you are not alone in the way you feel. If you do need someone because you feel like this then please stop trying to cope on your own and reach out to someone. Talk to family, a friend or your doctor, try to get help because it is an illness and there are many ways to treat it. Mostly you can help yourself once you know you are depressed by recognising it and then you can say its not me or the world around me but it’s this illness, then you can fight it with positive thoughts and actions and you can get help to do this. You can also get medication and counselling to help you so do not try to beat it by yourself please share it with someone.

On a personal note…I have been fighting the fight against depression for half of my life and I am grateful for it because each battle I win I come out stronger and even though I lose now and again I know I can beat it again because I have taught myself how and when to recognise I need help. I am currently getting help with it thanks to medicine and counselling and of course self help. I know I will never be rid of it and that I will have to keep on fighting. I just wish more people would understand the benefits to it. Sometimes when I am deprest I can get a lot of work done not sleeping a lot helps. You also see a different perspective on things and when you come out the other side you are more vibrant and productive because you feel like you have to make up for loss time.

So please have hope !

xXx

Quick question(s)…

Dose the tooth fairy give adults money when they lose a tooth?
What is the going rate?
Is it less if it’s stained and crumbled?

(Obviously I have just lost another tooth except the root and as I need the money am hoping the Tooth fairy might have pity on me. Now down to 11 teeth 16 if you count the roots that haven’t come out. Not really what I needed right now and of all things to make it come out but a quality street green one bar. lol)