Turning a deeper shade of lobster…17th May 2014

rueye1

Dear diary, God, me and everybody else,

Today was a early but dull start although our plans were still to go to the allotment as a family and do some more much needed weeding of our strawberry patch. We all got up and set off my partner had our two children in the double buggy and I was on my bike as my back still won’t handle walking over two miles and the weeding. We got there and the whole team was there and that has been a first in well over a year but we all worked nice so to speak and got lot’s done and yeah we pretty much finished weeding that strawberry patch. We also sprayed an area ready to rotter-vate  and my son helped feed and water the chicken and of course collect their eggs. My daughter and I tidied up some rubbish and then my son helped me plant some pumpkins and melons. So a lot was done. Oh nearly forgot rescuing some strawberry plants that got pulled up with the weeds but that saved us a job as we were going to donate some to the school. The weather got out really hot and I mean put extra sun tan lotion on hot. I got quite pink yesterday but now am well and truly lobster colour on my back and arms today. The children had a great morning and didn’t get wingie due to the heat as they were kept busy earning their keep, lol. So a very productive morning/afternoon.

On the way home we deliberated about going to the pub and as we got there one of the villagers we know and get on with an elder fellow that always talks to the children as well as us was sitting outside the pub. So it would have been rude not to stop. I think we deserved a cold one anyway. My partner God love him and me too also, brought some pub grub as well and that was well needed too. If by magic our son who was asleep, woke up just as my partner was going to get a drink. So he got his lemonade, bless him.

The rest of the afternoon was spent in the garden not really doing much except watching the children playing in the garden, going from their bouncy castle to the sandpit and I sat there trying to catch up with my penpal letters. As luck or fate would have it most of my penpal’s all seem to have replied at the same time i.e. now while I am busy getting ready for our holiday but I managed to get two shorter than usual letters written while enjoying the last of the heat from the sun. It worked, I sat facing the sun and got a little lobster colour to my neck and chest. Hopefully now I look a little more even, mission accomplished. Indoors to cook pizza for tea and then the bath and bedtime hour.

My partner, mother-in-law and I then watched “Britain’s got talent” and we had a few good acts on tonight and then another show with Rob Brydant before coming up to bed. So we still need to make sure we have all our packing done and I want to make some soup to take with us and there is a book review I want to finish as well as another book. I think the excitement is getting to me now, after all it will only be two more sleeps till we are off on our first EVER family holiday. It will be great to experience what it will be like to be just us while we are on holiday because believe it or not my partner and I have been living with one of our mother’s the whole time we have been parents. That’s nearly 4 years! I know – right, it’s been tough at times so it will be nice to just be US!

So please bless us with good weather for our holiday, oh lord and the ability to embrace all that the holiday camp has to offer us.We all deserve this break away together. Thank you for today as always.

xXx

 

 

 

Omg I left my laptop behind….

rueye1

14th May 2014

Dear diary, God, Me and everybody else,

Yes I know how could I?

I got a lift home from my Dad’s where I was using my laptop and his computer to teach him the basic’s of using his computer to get online. The day’s work/lesson as it were was successful and he remembered what I taught him but as my sister decided to surprise him with a visit and then me with the offer of a lift home. I was then running to someone else’s schedule and had to rush about and in that rush I left my very beloved and only connection to the outside world behind in my sister’s car.

I thought I would be able to cope without having it and I guess I did really but I really didn’t like it. I don’t have a mobile like most of the modern population I just have my laptop to connect to the internet and my family and friends and of course all of my lovely followers. I have misted being able to sign in here and read what others have to say and look at everyone’s photo’s on facebook. So it was great to have it back today and even better to be blogging again.

Today was a very full Friday. Up with my daughter after my partner and son went to playgroup and the allotment so we got to have a fun filled couple of hours to ourselves. I posted a couple of books that someone “MOOCHED” from me and then we went to the park before having to get my son from playgroup. After the walk home we all played in the garden for a little while then my partner came home and we had lunch. We were eating lunch and deliberating doing our food shopping for our holiday or going up to the allotment.  The phone disturbed us and my dinner it was my well being mentor and so for the next half  hour or so we talked about my mood and my progress with dealing with my current pain and then we evaluated my mood/progress. It’s better and a lot more so than I would have thought. I ended up eating a cold dinner but we decided to do our shopping.

After we got home is when my sister came by bringing my laptop and my nephews with her, we were all glad to see her. We had a chat and the children played and confirmed plans to see her after our holiday on her birthday. Then they left and we got ready to go to school as they had a wheel even on for the kids to raise funds for the school. It was good our son had a great time. My back started to give out or my pain threshold did so we left a little early with our tired boy and went home to put him in bed and our daughter was already there.

So here I am catching up with the world and myself and feeling content with my progress of mind and my ability to overcome physical pain and my new determination to overcome the mental block that keeps coming back. I also know that this holiday is just what I need to help me relax and hopefully reboot.

As always I pray you here me.

xXx

12th May 2014…A hard day

rueye1

Dear diary, God, me and everybody else,

The title doesn’t say it all but it is true it has been a hard day and there is no real reason to why it just was. I guess it is all part of depression that even when you think you have it beat you get a day like the one I have had today. There is no rhyme or reason for it – you just don’t feel quite right and no matter how hard you try to be NORMAL or productive despite how you feel you still feel like there is that familiar grey cloud hovering around you so you can’t quite experience or feel the way you should.

It was a normal Monday and we didn’t have to get up early and the children were good and didn’t cause anything out of the usual to have to deal with but I just went along in my inability to really feel or be present only doing what was necessary and not really living – if you know what I mean. The kids and I got dressed and while they were playing in our room I logged on to see what the world of facebook had to say and surprise surprise not a lot was going on so went looking elsewhere as I knew I needed a lift. So quotes is what I went hunting for and even then I only found and posted a couple on here but it did help a little. Then before the children made too much of a mess of our very chaotic bedroom we all went downstairs.

The day was turning dark and stormy outside so it would be another day that we would have to stay cooped up for.

The day pasted as days like this do with no an awful lot happening but as my training to cope lesson’s have taught me to try even harder on this difficult days to achieve something. I listened to the words I’ve read and have kept telling myself. So after my partner came back and we’d all had lunch I disappeared off upstairs to finish an important form we had to do. Although it took longer than it would have on a NORMAL me day I kept to it until I finished and it did help just like the lesson and mentor had told me it would. I didn’t quite get that feeling I would normal get of achieving something but never the less I did achieve that horrible chore and a not so horrible one. I also sent off all the tokens we have been collecting out of The Sun Newspaper just like we did for our holiday to get two free tickets to go to LEGOLAND in Winsor. My son who is nearly 3 1/2 has been crazing us ever since he knew the place existed. We can thank my lovely sister and her son’s for that, lol. So now we will be able to go at a fraction of the cost in other words we are definitely going, so long as we do get the free tickets of course. I also sent a letter to one of my penfriends and on the way I even managed a laugh or two because I took my son and as it had been raining on and off there were “Big muddy puddles” to walk, run and jump in. That is why I took him and it did help, bless him.

That is as eventful as it got until just now. I came to bed early as it has been hard work all day and I thought a little quiet time to write this and collect my thoughts before I read myself to sleep before midnight would be good and it still will be. My partner came up early and brought with him two parcels that had come in the post for me that no one noticed till he came up to bed. So I have another two books to add to my reading shelf. I know I have more than enough for one year but when you can get a bargin book you get it and you can quote me on that, lol.

Good night and god bless.

Who knows I might catch up with my reviews and finish a book instead of starting a new one. Then again I might not. Keep fighting the good fight.

If not and unlike me you haven’t got a good book to help get you to sleep take this quotes good advice.

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xXx

 

 

 

Exercise Three – I’m big now what?

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I have broken this one up into two parts as I found it helpful to do two lists. One with the job’s I’d hate and why and then one about what I want out of life/what I want to do.

Jobs I’d hate:

* Cleaning.

(I hate cleaning up my own mess and the children’s so to do it as a job would be like torture even if I was going to get paid for it.)

* Looking after the sick or elderly.

(For similar reason’s as the first, I hate cleaning up other people’s mess and these jobs must be full of tiding up series mess, yuk. I just couldn’t do it.)

* Waitress or cook

(Especially in somewhere like a fish or chip shop or a fast food chain. The heat and the smell would do me right in let alone standing on your feet the whole time. Let’s not even start on having to wear a uniform.)

 These were the only specific jobs that I know without thinking about that I would hate and have even turned down. This last one was something I have done and would rather not do again.

* Administrator/office work

(I trained and did this for over four years of my life without ever getting paid, apart from benefit money. I loved the work but the office politics and bitchieness just wasn’t doing my mental health any good. Who needs to be around all that back stabbing and negativity while your at work. I couldn’t do it again I don’t think.)

So that is the list as much as I can  think of so at least it is short.

What I want out of life:

* To work with my family and friends by my side or at least spend more time with them than at work.

* To continue learning new skills or just knowledge.

* Run/own land so I can grow on it and feed my family and others who are in need.

* Generally help people.

* Teach. (I don’t care what but I love children and how they are as interested in learning as I am but teaching anyone who wanted to know would be good.

* Live more sustainably.

* Be creative. (Writing, crafting/making things.)

* Feel like I’m making an impact on the community around me, and leaving a life’s work that mean’s something.

Have to admit the first list didn’t really surprise me but the second was like my inner self coming out it really felt profound to read it back to myself because it was like reading my feelings. So it was good to see them in words and realise that I am not shallow and actually want things that are good and meaningful.

So great  exercise.

xXx

9th May 2014

rueye1
Dear diary, God, me and everybody else,

Hey all, it is getting late here but as it has been a very eventful and important day I thought I had better write an entry/post. So here it is and today started like most Friday’s. I was able to have a lay in as my partner took my oldest to playschool and left me and our daughter in bed still sleeping. We both woke up about half past nine this morning. It was nice to wake up in quiet and not be rushed. We took our time my daughter had her morning milk while I logged on and sore that I had 50 followers. That really made my morning, I was so shocked and very flattered, so thank you all again. After I did a post about it I decided to enjoy the moment and celebrate with some music and my daughter and I listened and danced or in her case bounced on the bed while we got dressed and ready for the day. It was lovely, just us girls.

We got interrupted by somebody at the door…the postman with some of our deliveries we have been expecting from our internet shopping spree. So down I went to collect them and then I came up and we finished getting dressed and opened them all up. Shoe’s for my partner and a t-shirt for both him and me. we also got a pump for the bouncy castle we ordered for the children with the rest of their Christmas money but no castle yet.

The day soon whisked away and my partner and mother in law came back and my partner left again to get my son. They soon came back and my son was full of chatter and I couldn’t wait to tell my partner his shoe’s had arrived. He had news for me too. Our neighbour and friend had asked me previously if I wanted to go with her to meet Danny Dyer later in the month at a nightclub and I said I would but she thought that because I am not a his biggest fan that I only said I would so she wasn’t going alone and that is partly right but she hasn’t got anyone else to go with. So as it was all a misunderstanding I went round and said I did want to go so she isn’t alone because it will be a great night and it’ll be great for us and our men to have a night out together before our holiday that we are planning on going on together later on in the summer. We cleared things up and booked our tickets there and then and I paid her for them. Our children who are the same age and best friends kissed each other goodbye. So sweet. Back in the day they would have been betroved to each other because they get on, lol. So looks like I’m going to meet Danny Dyer later this month and have my picture taken with him!

We all went to town as a family including my partners mother as she wants to buy our daughter her first pair of shoes. While we were on the bus it poured down luckily it was only drizzling when we had to get off the bus and it was only a short walk to the only shoe shop in town. The lady in the shop was really welcoming because it was obvious when we all poured into the shop that we were there to buy something. She was  lovely and very good at her job and she measured our daughters feet after making sure she could actually walk. I had my camera with me and took some photo’s of my daughter showing off and enjoying her new shoe’s but one pair wasn’t enough we left with a second pair and they are both fab. It’s as if she had been waiting for her shoe’s to really go for it and she didn’t want to take them off. It was a great moment. Our son was very well behaved and didn’t get jealous he made me so proud. So we were very successful and not only did we get shoes but we also got a few bargains from the charity shop. A golf set that my son found and let’s face it he deserved a treat. He was so chuffed with his little caddy that he pulled it down the street. I got another book surprise surprise and we stopped in the pub for a quick one before going food shopping. My partner and I were a little naughty because we also got 5 dvd’s but they were cheap-ish ones but hell we deserve a treat now and again too.

So we arrived home with boxes and bags of stuff and found another box waiting for us in the back porch another pair of shoes for my partner and then we had a burgers for tea and then a quiet night in but you know what that is just what you need after a long afternoon of shopping. It was a great day.

Nigh-night

xXx

 

 

Wow! 50 Followers!

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Thank you all who have followed me on this blog.

I never imagined when I started this earlier on this year that I would even get one follower reading my blog, let alone 50 of you. So thank you all very much for coming along the ride. I woke up this morning and came on here to try and catch up with some diary notes or other posts that are still sitting in my draft folder and then sore I had  50 followers, it has made my day it really has. It has quite distracted me from what I was going to do and why I am writing this thank you. I sincerely mean it whole heartedly and will always read and take on board your comments.

Thank you once again for making my Friday that little bit more special today. One love to you all xXx

What motherhood means to me…

 

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As this wonderful picture of words and this category tells us, this writing was inspired but inspired by what?

In this instance I was inspired by a film and as it was so fitting I just had to do i for myself.

                                     motherhood2                                               motherhood1

The film is called Motherhood and it stares the amazing Uma Thurman and she plays a mother of course and a blogger.  While blogging one day she comes across a competition to win a job blogging and the requirement for the entry was a 500 word essay on:

“What motherhood means to me.”

Motherhood means everything to me and it was very long awaited. I didn’t have any health problems and I must confess… I am surprised looking back that it didn’t happen sooner, when I was young and reckless. Becoming a mother in my very late twenties having to wait longer than I had anticipated has made me appreciate it all the more, I think.

It’s not all hugs, kisses, hand crafted presents and playing all day every day you know. There are a lot of draw backs like the fact you don’t even recognise your own body and I don’t just mean the stretch marks or the extra flab. It’s the lack of ability to control your bladder as much as you once did. Although let’s face it we can all just about cope with that but what’s hit me the most is the realization that I will never ever get another decent lay in EVER and long gone are those days when you can stay in bed all day. I miss those days. The thing is… all these things you miss are out weighed by things you never thought could be so good. Like that unconditional love parents go on about well they were right. It hits you like a sledgehammer, as soon as you see YOUR child and it stays there constantly and never fades. It’s the most amazing feeling in the world . You also get a massive amount of pride with all their achievements even the tiniest ones. Like at the very beginning when you first hear them scream or cry so you know they are alive! That first little murmur and when they grab your finger and squeeze it with everything they have got. Then with every new thing they learn and do you feel so proud because you helped them to learn it or you raised them to be like that or simply because they are yours and you just can’t help yourself but feel it.

Motherhood isn’t about all you get or teach your children really it’s about what they give you like the before mentioned unconditional love and pride but it’s other things too. Like the ability to play like them, using your long forgotten imagination and by doing so you abandon all the fears and inhabitations that adulthood has put upon you and it is so liberating. It also reminds you of how carefree and fun life really is. They teach me so much everyday even if it’s just to enjoy everything because children do.

My children are the best anti-depressant medication there is. They are the reason I get out of bed even on those black day’s.  I am addicted to their laughter. I can’t get enough of the stuff. I’m also dedicated to their happiness more than I ever was my own they will always be my best achievement and the one that will mean the most no matter what I do. They are my EVERYTHING and as important as air.

 xXx

 

( This was a great challenge for me. After all it has been a while since I have written anything apart from the odd poem, my diary, reviews and blog posts. This was different this was a brief and a limit of a certain amount of words and let’s face it I waffle a lot. So it’s not surprising it wasn’t easy but that was exactly the point. To challenge myself again and it was that and dispite it taking me longer than it really should due to finding the quiet to sit and draft and proof read and redraft I got there. I just hope it is as good a read for you as I believe it to be.)